Maternal armour

The days are long and exhausting and the specific details blurry. The numbers on the calendar lose relevancy with every passing sunrise. Despite all this flurry and the constant reminder that I have absolutely no energy left to spare I find myself awake in the early morning hours most nights, my head swirling with perhaps all of the thoughts and worries I just don’t have the time to attend to during the day. Even though this nocturnal routine does nothing to help me through the day, it’s during these quiet moments of self reflection that glimmers of a person I used to know come through and it’s hard to say good night to her. As a newer parent, finding ways to maintain a sense of self when you have the many needs of others to take care of has been a very challenging road for me. These late night meetings with my long lost confidant have come to represent a way for me to ground myself and try to make sense of all of this uncertainty. It’s so hard to turn her away but the constant reminder that the kids will wake up soon, diapers need changing, breakfast needs making starts to nag louder as the birds start waking up outside. I force myself back into bed and turn my brain off in order to get a few precious hours of sleep before I strap on my mommy helmet and buckle in for the ride. I want my kids to know more then just the Mom part of me and I have to find ways to let her shine through in spite of the comfort I find in my maternal armour 🛡